


A Very Friends Hogwarts

by zemfics



Category: Friends (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Crack, Crack Crossover, Guns, Multi, mention of weigh gain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27936917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zemfics/pseuds/zemfics
Summary: really cool fanfic skype collab posted for friendso good. CRACK FIC. Written with wine. Good for a laugh.fandom: friendspairings: rachel/everyone (?)
Relationships: Chandler Bing/Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay/Rachel Green, Rachel Green/Gunther, rachel and gunther is one sided, rachel and phoebe is one sided, rachel doesn't like anyone back
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1: The One Where Joey Eats the Floor

**Author's Note:**

> I think chapter four is the best chapter so stay tuned. I have never watched Friends the sitcom. All of my knowledge comes from asking my FRIEND stuff about it. This makes for a good time.

It was a snowy day in hogshead and 6 FRIENDS were walking down the snowy road in the fading light beneath the gentle glow of the full moon. The unlikely friends, with at least one representative from each house all cheerfully entered the warm embrace of the three broomsticks, eager to drink some delicious butterbeer.

“ Joey”, said ross, “you can’t just put your name into the goblet of fire you KNOW you can’t just put your name into the goblet of fire, your lucky professor Birk didn’t disembowel you with his wand”

“Chill out homie”, said joey, “ drinks are on me, hey rosmerta, how you doin’?”

madam rosmerta sparkled with joy, she led them to a table, “hello joey you little scamp would you and your FRIENDS like some butterbeers?”

“you know sweet cheeks”

madam rosmerta shook her head and chuckled then ruffled his hair. She went off to get the butter beers.

“Ross is right” said monica, “joey you could’ve died”

“like THAT would ever happen,” said joey, laughing and twirling his wand, “I’m like the hottest chaser in the entire school, the ladies love it”

“Joey,” said rachel “you fucking idiot, i can’t believe i kissed you that one time”

everyone stared, ross threw up in his mouth.

Suddenly Phoebe jumped on the table and stood there, the others ignored her.

Across the room, a lonely hufflepuff stared.

Rachel squinted and then ducked down, “oh shit,” she said, “its that guy again”

the others turned to see Gunther cleaning mugs off of the tables. He was poor and needed a part time job. or else all of his worldly belongings would be repossessed. he wore old secondhand clothes and always used secondhand books. he was an orphan. His mother was a witch, his dad was a muggle who disowned him at birth. It was a nasty shock when his father out about his mother. His mother raised him until he was 4. Since then he lived on the mean streets of london until he found out that. he was a wizard, since then life has been pretty good, but he was still poor.

Being a hufflepuff was pretty cool. He could see his roommate joey, hanging out with his group of friends. Gunther hated Joey so he never tried to get in with that group, he sometimes regretted that because damn rachel was a fox.

Rachel was very uncomfortable with Gunther over there, she was slightly disgusted by guther’s menial labor, also he kept looking at her, what a weirdo!

to take her mind off of her troubles, rachel punched joey square in the jaw, joey fell over.

“hey guys,” said phoebe, “I’m really feeling this table”

“thats nice phoebe” said monica, “hey ross, d'you think you could get me into the slithering common room”

“what why?” said ross

“i want to curse someone”

“I don’t think thats a good ideas said ross”

joey lay on the floor crying

Monica and ross argued some more, ross gave in because he is a baby

phoebe remained on the table, contemplating her life, looking down on the woman she loved but probably would never have, christmas was approaching, and phoebe knew she would never get what she truly wanted

The FRIENDS left the three broomsticks in poor spirit, would anything make this christmas magical


	2. The One Where Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's christmas :^)

it was christmas and phoebe

had just woken up in a daze

she wish she knew who her father was

usually there was no one else in the drom because it was weird to stay at school during christmas, but the triwizard tournament was going on and the yule was happening, everyone was so excited except for phoebe.

her questions of paternitty weighted heavily on her mind. she didn;t know who her father was and it bothered her.

she also didn’t have a mother

so

she didn’t expect and presents.

she galumphed downstairs to find many young ravenclaws excited about presents.

“hey guys said phoebe”

“hi phoebe” said chandler “want to go down and kick the christmas trees over?”

YEAH I GUESS”

they arrived in the great hall to find that all of the christmass trees were already dead, slain where they stood in their tree stands. Joey lay lay uncious beneath one, bleeding.

“wow joey you sure fucked up christmas” sighed dobby rubbing joeys blood into his own scalp.

suddenly rachel sailed into the great hall decked out in her finest ensemble “hi chandler phoebe joey how goes it” she looked down at the blood quickly soaking into her silk slippers, “ew wtf”

phoebe laid down. dobby rubbed rubbed blood into phoebes scalp

“this will help you” said dobby

“thank you”

Rachel looked at the scene before her and grimaced she would much rather be amusing herself with a mountain of presents right now but ulnfortunately her parents hated her. “Anyways guys i need a dress for the yule ball tonight”

dobby lept up “DOBBY CAN HELP”

rachel punted him into the wall


	3. The One Where Romance is in the Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot happens. steaminess occurs. i think this still counts as T rating

Ch 3 

joey thought he would die. 

He had touched a weird locket and stopped breathing 

It all happened so fast 

— 3 hours ago —-

“Joey!” said monica “where did you get that?”

she was pointing at the velvet boxjoey was clutching greedily

“The ladies love it “ said joey “ I shoplifted this, capitalism is bad” 

Phoebe wished she was dead

she never knew her father 

Monica signed “Joey, just bevause capitalism is bad doesn’t mean you can steal thing, won’t the employee get punished”

“NO” said joey, “ it is worth it to get the babes and stick it to the man, anarchism is where its at, but I am like a gun nut so its like uncomfortable for me to be an anarchist”“whats a gun” said chandler?

“a gun is this” said joey and then he shot and then flexed

Rachel scremed

Phebe wondered what a gun is as well, is her dad a gun? probably not. Does her dad have sick guns,……maybe. only time will tell. 

Joey thought it was time. 

He opened the box and stopped breathing all of a sudden. Chandler had shot him with HIS OWN GUN….

“Changler,” said joey, i thought you didn’t know what a gun was”? 

“ ILIED” said chandler..

“What are your motivations” said rachel

“I am not sure anymore” said joey. He thought he was the coolest dude at hogwarts. but he had just shot his friend changler. surely a cool dude would not do that. LAdies do not like murderers. or do they…

Joey had a lot to think about. Should he embrace his murderous inclinations, or…should he be a nice man :) 

3 hours later

Chandler awake in a startled position. He was in the infirmery. And could not remember much. he remembered that his former friend joey had a velvet box. but he had shot shot joey before he found out what was in it. he had made a mistake. This must be rectified. ASAP. 

4 weeks later 

Chandler could not find the velevet box. Joey had been avoiding him. He wasn’t sure why 

[JOEYS POV]

Chandler was super hot. Joey thoutgh he could not stand it any longer. He was feeling spicey today. 

He was scoping out where chandler could be.

[chandler’s pov]

He was follwing joey. so joey could not find him. he was behind him at all times. 

still no sign of the velvet box. 

[joey’s POV]

he had found chandler in the dormitories. And after a terse conversation about their previous expression of their 2nd amendment rights they started making out. it was beautiful but chandler kept going into joeeys pockets as though looking for something

interesting. joey thought. Perhaps, joey wasn’t just a ladies man, maybe he was also , a chandler’s man. 

“Hey “ said joey, “ why don’t you look in this pocket” he guided Chandler’s elegant fingers to his rear. 

Chandler blushed. Maybe he was a Joey’s Chandler. 

He touched Joey’s rear and it was amazing. HE was trying trying to think of a funny joke to mask how aroused was. This was truly a night to remember. As they touched each others members. 

2 hours later 

“where is the BOX” said chandler

Joey was confused and saddened. They had just made love. and joey wanted some cuddle time. But chandler kept going through his belongings. it was weird. was this a red flag? only time would tell.


	4. The One Where Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monica reads a diary. cw weight

Monica sat in the great hall looking at a plate of pumpkin pasties. They looked delicious but she looked away in shame. The stars twinkled above her in the magical cieling.   
Monica didn’t know what to do. She had lost all contorl of her life. She was gaining weight. and hadn’t seen ross recently. maybe these things were related. but probably not because that would be strange 

A small figure appeared before her. it was that weird house elf that had massaged blood into their scalps during christmas. It was dobby! 

“DOBBY CAN HELP” said dobby,

“I don’t want your help dobby” why are you here , said monica sadly

“dobby knows when Monica Last Name is sad, “ said dobby “ and dobby is am here to help!”

“How could you help me dobby” said monica, looking forlornly into the distance

“Like this” said dobby “ and then he opened his diary and pushed it towards monica. Monica looked at the cute little journal with some amusement. but not much because she was thinking about how sad she was. in cute cursive it read:

Dear Dobbery

It’s been a while since dobby has dobbed to you. My real name is Dobert Dobbles. I was born in a shoe. I had a vision last night that I would meet a very clean woman who was gaining weight and was concered. I will relinquish all of my personal belongings to help her in the future. I think I will meet her in 12 years

“I wrote this 12 years ago” said dobby “ I think I can help you”

Monica wept slightly. She couldnn’t belive her luck. all of these years she had worried about not being skinny anymore. “how…can you help me I have gained 3 pounds, there is no going back”

“Dobby can help” said dobby

“Please” said monica, leaning closer

dobby leaned in as well

Perhaps dobby could help her in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't occur to me that the Friends characters had last names until I had to tag this fic


End file.
